that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
