Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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