i jhust puked up my retainher.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
