Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
