she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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