Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
