Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
