mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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