eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My bed smells like the plague
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