Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
