mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
