I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Let's get the cat blown out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
