remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I checked into jail on foursquare
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Alive.
So much puke
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
