Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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