I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
