My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
