I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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