Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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