she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
