roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
