Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
