No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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