you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
