you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
