Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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