Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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