Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
