No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
