I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
