Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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