:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
