i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
