she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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