Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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