it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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