That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
People in love make me want to vomit
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
