i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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