Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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