can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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