when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
