god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
