she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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