I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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