My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
