WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
