two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
