The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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