I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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