Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize