at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize