I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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