I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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