she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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