I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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