if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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