She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
