What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
