I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
