Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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