Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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